What My Halloween Costume Will Be This Year
written for on-line Halloween feature 2003
by Damion Michaels

Last year, I complained about my coming to terms with my age and the celebration of Halloween. It was a sad piece which many people found funny and familiar. Well this year I am rejoicing because I read this week that Halloween is becoming more of an adult holiday.

That's right. More and more adults are dressing up (65% or more of Halloween costume sales), having extravagant Halloween parties and going to the extreme with ghoulish or themed decorations.

Much to the disappointment of my children, I had intended to not dress up this year. However, now that it's all the rage with my age group, why not.

Now the hard part is figuring out what my costume will be. I have heard of all sorts of funny (albeit) very inappropriate costume ideas for this year. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a prude. As witnessed by last year's account, I did once costume as "dirty laundry". I am just stumped.

Also, the issue for me is how detailed do I want my costume to be. There was the one year where I had the brilliant idea to dress like Bart Simpson with the orange t-shirt, green shorts and hi-top sneakers. I went overboard though when I used yellow grease body paint to cover all exposed parts of my body - even my hair. It was a great costume until I had to get that stuff off of me! I spent 2 1/2 hours in the shower with every cleanser you could think of. I found a combination of Formula 409, Gojo and some obscure Avon hand creme did the trick. The only problem was that I was translucent after that tortuous shower.

So this year, I decidedly am going to go with a low key, low maintenance form of costume. Maybe an ordinary guy who is really a super hero. You know like Clark Kent (Superman), or Peter Parker (Spiderman), or Bill Bixby (gave away my age on that one), er Dr. Bruce Banner (The Hulk).

So here are some ideas:
1. Split Vision Man! Dunt dunt dah! (cheesy deep based voice over):
Mild mannered father of two becomes Split Vision Man on Sunday afternoons. Super powers: Able to watch football games on tv, WHILE reading and playing with children. Arch nemesis: Nintendo Game Cube. For when it's on, cannot watch any television.

2. Tuition Man! Dunt dunt dah! (cheesy deep based voice over): Mild mannered father of two becomes Tuition Man each August. Super Powers: Able to work 12-16 hour days, seven days a week to pay for children's education. Arch nemesis: Inflation.

3. The Amazing Insomniac! Dunt dunt dah! ( cheesy deep based voice over): Super Powers: Able to exist on as little as 3 hours of sleep a night. Arch nemesis: Mortgage, car loans, relationships, children's health.

4. The Incredible Hugman! Dunt dunt dah! (last cheesy deep based voice over): Mild mannered father of two becomes The Incredible Hugman - ANYTIME, ANYPLACE! Super Powers: Able to give comforting, reassuring hugs to his children whenever, and wherever needed. Arch nemisis: Bad dreams, the dark, big dogs, scrapes and bumps and bedtime.

I think I will go as a combination of all four and just call myself DAD! Sorry no cheesy voiceover. I already have the costume. Showering will be a breeze. And I enjoy being a DAD anyway. Oh sure, I'll dress up as some bogus character in a costume, but underneath I will be DAD!

Adults and Halloween, huh? Forget candy, Halloween themed cocktails are the rage with the adult version of Halloween! Bobbing for Appletini's anyone?

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